Catching Wandering Thoughts

What can I say? I’m on top of the world right now.

I am positively glowing, and all this good energy is radiating out of me.

I don’t know what I did to deserve all this good karma.

it’s like this life is perfectly choreographed.

every mistake, every accomplishment and every decision is synchronized to bring me where i need to be.

i try not to worry because i have faith that things will work out…and they always do.

the universe never ceases to amaze me.

Summer has never smelled so sweet.

Driving through the night with windows down, I inhale the sticky air. 

And now, the smell of summer doesn’t remind me of you at all.

What I’m doing is not sufficient.

…. I guess I should try a little harder.

I’m always just a little too late.

Sitting by my silent phone, waiting for it to ring.

But it doesn’t.

It beeps occasionally, alerting me of a disappointing message.

I cycle through the emotions again.

Wasting time on job applications.

The efforts are fruitless.

It’s too much work losing what you love.

I have no direction.

Reviewing my grades, angry at my failures.

I can’t succeed even when I try.

So I search for a different school.

Even though it wouldn’t matter.

That tiny voice.

It’s hopeful.

Try, try again it urges.

But I worry.

There’s no sense of trust.

There’s just too much spinning inside of me, I don’t know what to feel.

I feel anger and a twinge of hatred towards one person,

Towards another I feel resentment, anger, hatred, and distrust.

To yet another I feel happy, hopeful, and just overall smitten with.

And then I think about other things and I began to feel worried and apprehensive.

Then I think some more and become hopeful.

All too quickly, two people reminded me not to trust anyone and another is telling me to try, try again. Is it an oxymoron or two paths that I must choose between?

My situations at hand are confusing. One, is a cruel reality. Another, is an imagined future that could quite possibly become real.

I’m just so caught up in it all. It’s naive of me to think that anything would change. Yet that hope for changing horizons is nudging me forwards. 

The lies unravel, not slowly - but all at once.

You disgust me.

I was disillusioned for so long, clinging on to absolutely nothing.

You don’t mean anything to me, not anymore.

I can’t believe I ever though we had something, because clearly we didn’t.

Closure is what I have received.

I feel stronger, yet more empty.

My heart can’t take this.

It was already so cold before. How much more closed off can a stone heart become?

I need to begin exploring my options…

How much am I willing to sacrifice to be happy?

This is a lot to absorb; and quite frankly I’m not handling it very well.

I’m trying to be positive, but I’m just angry that this good thing had to be ruined.

Losing a job I love, losing coworkers I adore…it sucks.

the past is getting crowded;

the future looks so sparse.

window shopping for other people’s lives,

because i don’t know what to do with mine.

the best is yet to come is starting to feel like a lie.

they say to give it time,

but the days are slipping by quicker than they should.

it’s hard to travel without a sense of direction.

indecisive, uncertain, and a little insecure.

i feel more lost than free.